Building up for the Break Down
by ichigo711
Summary: Rin handled herself exceeding well as the head of the Tohsaka family for someone of her young age. Perhaps it was because she tried to remain ignorant of reality. For as long as she could, she would try to pass as the innocent child who didn't know. Kotomine Kirei teaches her the truth. He deceptively builds her up, just so he can break her back down. [DARK! fic]


**Building up for the Break Down**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/Zero or any of its characters. All credit for the characters and situations goes to the rightful owners. The only thing I own is this story._

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Rin handled herself exceeding well as the head of the Tohsaka family for someone of her young age. For someone only one tenth of the way through her life, yet who has lived through more than the combined entirety of several lesser people's lives. Much weight rested on the shoulders of a young girl who only weighed about 33 kilos herself. The weight of her late fathers' expectations. The weight of her helpless mothers' life. The weight of the wishes of several generations of past Tohsaka magi. In the back of her mind, she fully recognized these burdens, but paying them any attention only made things harder for her, so for as long as she could, she would try to pass as the innocent child who didn't know.

She wouldn't cry over things she didn't know about.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It's Mid Summer, shortly after the conclusion of the fourth grail war. Rin Tohsaka is walking home from a routine trip to the supermarket. Her caretaker, Kotomine Kirei is trailing a little bit behind her carrying the groceries. As she made her way back to her residence she notices a commotion on a small plot of land she knows is owned by a farmer. The shriek of desperate bleats filled the air, sounding almost like the tortured cry of a human.

Rin turned back to see the farmer ripping a young lamb from his mother and flinging him to the ground outside the makeshift shelter. The lamb cried for his mother, and the mother fought desperately to get to her baby's side, both continuing their pained bleating. The kid lie crippled where he was thrown and the farmer aimed a rifle at its head.

Rin didn't take any time to consider her actions. She vaulted over the short fence and dashed before the gun to shield the poor animal. "STOP! Why are you doing this! He's hurt! Can't you see it's making the mother upset!"

The startled farmer lowered his gun immediately. "Good Lord girl! Have you any idea just how dangerous that was?"

Kirei, full of composure, easily strolled over and placed a hand on Rin's shoulder, prompting her to move to the side. "Now Rin… stop-"

Rin spitefully slapped his hand away. "NO KIREI! **You** stop! How can you just stand by and watch?"

Unfazed by Rin's actions, Kirei turned to the farmer and gave a stiff bow of his head. "I apologize for her. Sorry, I will take responsibility for the trouble she's caused."

The gesture suddenly reminded Rin of how her father would also apologize on account of her impulsive actions. Her father… Surely, were he still alive, he would be ashamed of her for doing such a thing. Rin finally realized what she had done and lowly mumbled "I only wanted to help…"

The farmer sadly smiled down at Rin. "I understand what you mean young lady, however this lamb is sick. Unfortunately there isn't anything we can do for him."

There was a shared moment of silence before Kirei handed the shopping bags over to Rin.

She looked up at him confusedly. "What do you want me to do with this?"

"I want you to go home."

"Wha-"

Kirei gave a wave of his hand. "I said take the groceries and go home. I'll meet you there as soon as I'm done here."

"…" Rin wanted to retort with a snide comment reminding him how he was not, in fact, her father, but thought better when she remembered the reputation she was expected to uphold. Without any further argument, Rin walked home alone.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

In the twenty minutes it took for Kirei to come back, Rin was restless. When she heard the door open she dashed over, prepared to get answers as to how the encounter ended. Her questions died on the tip on her tongue however, when she saw that kotomine Kirei had brought home the ill lamb. He softly laid it down at Rin's feet and she could have sworn she saw the corner of his lips quirk up ever so slightly. "A gift for you."

"I didn't ask for it."

"You wanted to save him."

"…" Rin looked down at the exhausted lamb, then glared back up at Kirei. She knew that supposedly the animal was sick and couldn't be saved so it made no sense for Kirei to bring it back for her.

"You know… If you don't want him I can just-"

"No it's fine. I'll take care of it from here on out." Rin interrupted before Kirei could finish. She knew she would regret it if she backed out now, so she plowed forward.

Kirei crossed his arms in amusement. "I see. Then I leave his life in your hands. Are you sure you can handle it by yourself?"

Rin inclines her head in a sort of smug way. "What ever do you mean, Kirei? Such a thing is no problem for someone like me. Surely you must know."

Kirei feels it exactly the response he was expecting. He finds it mildly amusing how he can predict exactly how she will react, and he knows precisely how to manipulate her from this point. "Do you understand though, Rin. This lamb is helpless. He has no control over his own life anymore. Whether it is happy or sad, lives or dies is all up to you now. You, whom he can't even communicate with, are the decider of his fate. He is as a helpless human before God."

"God?" Rin grew quiet and distant as she thought of the implications of such words. Did she have the power to become a God? She could do it. The only thing stopping her was herself. She wanted to think that she had enough good in her to turn away from such a path, but then again, perhaps it was already too late. Her mother, Aoi, was already as hapless as the ill lamb. Did Rin have the right to play God? The answer was irrelevant at this point because perhaps she already had been playing God this whole time, and she was so far gone she hadn't even noticed it until now. Rin tensed and took a step back when the lamb looked at her with its beady black eyes.

The weight of another life was added to Rin Tohsaka's pile of responsibilities, and it just may have been the feather that tipped the scale and sent all of her troubles toppling down upon her. She wanted to cry and give up, and give the lamb back and pretend the whole ordeal never happened. She knew if she turned back now that she would lose to Kirei though. Kirei was standing by, watching, and waiting for her verdict. She picked up what shards of her composure she had left, scooped up the lamb, and locked herself in her room.

Rin thought she had won because she didn't back down. Kirei thought he had won because he knew he saw something inside her shatter.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The lamb died after a mere three weeks. For a while, it looked as if he would recover, but unfortunately there was no cure for his illness. It couldn't be helped.

After that Rin locked herself away in her room and refused to leave for nearly half a week. Kirei could hear her soft sniffles from the other side of her locked door.

Rin felt that the death of the lamb meant she had failed. Kirei knew from the very beginning that it would die.

Rin felt that because she was crying she lost. Kirei didn't consider it a win for him because she kept her tears very much to herself.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Every time Kirei brought food up to her room for her, she waited until he left to take it in, and when she was done she left her dishes in the hall.

She did everything possible to avoid Kirei, and in the end, she only ended up leaving her room because Kirei threatened to break down her door.

She didn't doubt that he was serious, so she elegantly let herself out and, with crossed arms, made a point to avoid looking at him.

"You should try to be more social, Rin." Kirei said, "I'm sure your father would be upset to see you behaving this way. It reflects badly on your upbringing."

Rin's shoulders tensed. They have already had this conversation before. Back then things were very different. Back then, she still had some control over the direction of her life, and now she felt like a puppet; going in only the directions that Kirei pulled her strings and manipulate her in. Before she had boldly told him "This had nothing to do with my Father!" and her mother reprimanded her for shouting. Now Aoi was changed, and it wasn't likely she would get up and reprimand Rin again. Rin secretly hopped she would, but now because things were different, Rin only offered a weak protest.

"This doesn't have anything to do… with my father…"

Rin walked past him, and he, having just barely heard her words, wore a smirk of amusement.

Rin seated herself down at the grand sized table in the dining hall, and Kirei brought forward two bowls of steaming, homemade mapo tofu. One he placed in front of her, and one was for himself.

Rin wordlessly pushed away the food and buried her face in her arms.

Kirei sighed. "Rather than worrying about a creature that was a lost cause to begin with, why not focus on your own life?"

Rin remained quiet. Kirei took it as a sign that she was listening.

"You need to prioritize your life over that of an animal Rin. If you don't eat, you may also fall ill. If something happens to you, then the Tohsaka family… Do you realize the importance of your life?"

Rin turned lifted her face just enough for Kirei to be able to see her glare. "I know! I am going to win the grail war, and earn the Tohsaka family the respect we deserve. After all these years it's up to me. I know even without you reminding me Kirei."

"Good. Then you can think of it this way." Kirei continued, "Do you consider the lives of the livestock which you consume on a daily basis? Not likely, but that's okay because compared to the worth of a human life, a herd animals life amounts nearly to nothing. Just because their life isn't worth much, doesn't necessarily mean that its whole existence is worthless however. Their purpose is to help humans sustain their lives. This is because humans have vast potential. Potential to do great things, to change the world even. Animals lack this potential in the very beginning, so it is up to us to make use of their lives and take responsibility upon ourselves, do you understand?"

"Yes, I get it already! Geez." Rin responded mostly in an effort to get him to shut up.

"Clearly you don't get it because you still aren't eating your food. Just as with any other stock animal, that lamb's life was definitely not without meaning because it served the purpose of enriching your own life. If you don't eat, his sacrifice will be a waste."

The full effect of Kirei's words didn't sink in for a few brief moments. Rin sat quietly, contemplating what he meant by all of that. Surely he wasn't trying to reassure her, or convince her not to be sad about her loss. Was he trying to tell her that it would be a waste because the lamb helped her learn a life lesson, and that if she didn't eat, eventually she herself would also die and the knowledge would be lost? Could he have meant anything else? A sudden chill raced through her and she lifted her head from her folded arms to see Kirei sitting across from her, calmly consuming his share of the food.

Rin made a sound between a gasp and a choke, as a cold wave of shock washed over her. He… He couldn't have meant that the lamb was meant to "enrich" her in other ways, could he? Literally? Physically? He could have meant that if she didn't eat, the lamb's life would go to waste because… Rin fearfully looked down into her dish, eyeballing the chunks of meat mixed into the bright red chili sauce. Her stomach twists.

She bolts to her feet with a jolt; jarring the entire table and knocking her glass over, shattering it on the stone floor. She flees to her room, not bothering to close her door as she dives into the adjoining bathroom and becomes sick.

Kirei nonchalantly listens to the sounds of gags mixed with breathless sobs as he continues chewing his food. He slides her untouched dish over to his side of the table and eats her portion for her. He figures she's not going to eat it, and he's not one to let good things go to waste.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Rin cried a great deal after that, but it still wasn't the type of tears Kirei was looking for. Rin cried for the lamb, and Kirei feels that she is missing the point entirely.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Much time passes and one day in the Fall seasons, Aoi Tohsaka, Rin's mother, passes away in the night.

Rin really screwed up this time. She knew for a long time, but didn't do anything about it. She knew what was happening with Kirei and her mother behind the scenes, but she failed to do anything about it. Now it was too late. Perhaps this all happened because she had tried so hard to stay ignorant of all the unsavory things in her life. She avoided the problem for her own convenience, and now she had no right to wish it happened any differently. This was not at all what her father would have wanted. She failed him.

As before, Rin confined herself to her room. After the first day of being locked in, Rin started to refuse the food Kirei brought up for her. She wanted to avoid him by all means necessary. She simply wanted to lie in bed and forget about all of her responsibilities. Maybe if she slept for long enough she would peacefully slip away to the afterlife. Then she could see her father again and ask him for advice.

After three days of refusing to eat, Kirei picked the lock to Rin's bedroom door and carried her out. She was so malnourished and lethargic that at first she didn't even realize that she was being carried away. She felt the bodily embrace and snuggled up to the comforting warmth, imaging her father was holding her once more. She reached out to that blurry mental image and muttered out in desperation. "mmnnph….I need… your help."

Kirei sat Rin down, slumping her over the dining table and arousing her from her incoherent hallucinations.

"I would be more than happy to help you in any way I can, Rin."

Rin opened her eyes, looking up to the source of the voice that clearly wasn't her beloved fathers. "Kirei. You again… I finally have a good dream and you're here to interrupt me."

"You need to eat something." Kirei ignored her comment and slid forward a bowl of homemade mapo tofu.

Rin is unresponsive, so Kirei tries another tried and true approach.

"You should really take better care of yourself, Rin. I'm sure your father would be upset to see you behaving this way. It reflects badly on your upbringing."

Again, things have changed so much since the last time they have had this conversation. The first time she had boldly told him "This had nothing to do with my Father!" and her mother reprimanded her for shouting. The second time she quietly talked back in hopes that things would go back to the way they were before. This time, Aoi was dead.

Rin didn't argue at all. She only hung her head and allowed the tears to roll down her face. Kirei got up and walked over to her. Finally. Finally he gets the tears he was hoping for. Rin was quiet and reserved, but still she did nothing to prevent him from seeing the proof of her sorrow. She wasn't crying tears for someone else. She wasn't crying for the lamb, or even for her own mother. These were tears of self-pity and pain. Rin openly cried for herself.

Kirei was basking in the moment. She made no move of opposition when he touched her wet cheek, soaking in every detail and committing as much as he could to memory. He listened to the soft pat of her tears hitting the table. He tilted her face upward and pressed his lips against her jaw, tasting the trail of tears. He buried his face in her neck and hair to inhale the heavy scent of her sorrow, and exhaled in her ear, whispering in a deep, raspy voice "About what I was trying to explain last time. Do you understand?"

"No. I don't get it at all. I don't understand…" Her voice quiet and hoarse, "Why are you doing this to me?"

"Allow me to explain." Kirei put a hand on top of her head, gently grasping her hair and tilting her head back. "The weight of your life now equals the combined weight of what it was originally at your birth-" He pressed his lips against the pale skin of her throat, catching the tears that continued to roll down. "Along with the added weight of the expectations of all of the past Tohsakas, including your _precious_ father's wishes-" The words reverberated against her hypersensitive skin, giving her chills as he spoke against her throat. "Plus the weight of every life you have thus far taken advantage of in order to survive. This includes the life of every stock animal you have ever consumed." He used his tongue and slowly licked the length of her throat; following the trail of her tears and making Rin produce a small struggling sound at the sensation. "So you see, you must eat and survive, or else you have wasted even every breath of oxygen you robbed this world of." Kirei closed his lips over the spot that made her squirm, sucking tenderly. He enjoyed how even in her body's exhausted state, he still got such a reaction from her. Her skin started to redden, whimpers escaped no matter how hard she tried to keep them in, and her legs fidgeted, twitched, and rubbed together, clearly illustrating how he affected her. He gently clamped his teeth over the spot and pressed down ever so slightly listening closely to her hiss of pleasure. Then he pulled back torturously slowly, sucking and scraping over her skin. Rin put up a small struggle, but couldn't last long. There was a small squeak before she let out a full out moan and arched her back up into him, her hands flying up to grasp his arms for support. He pulled away and observed how she slumped back down, panting.

Seemingly satisfied with his work, he sat back down across from her and pushed the single, now cold bowl of Mapo Tofu toward her.

Rin glared up at him though her damp bangs. Her eyes seemed to glow with some type of newly found determination. With the little strength she had left, she repositioned herself to be sitting upright. She momentarily examined the chunks of meat in the dish as she had last time and wondered if he would really go through such lengths to win. This time he didn't have a dish for himself. It was just her. What could that mean? Rin was tired. She was too exhausted to further rationalize the situation, and so she mechanically picked up her spoon.

Everything else aside, she at least figured that it didn't matter what she was eating in the end because everyone amounted to the same in death.

She ate her food. She did her best to not think about the flavor or the texture in her mouth. She ate it all, even though she knew it would give her a horrible stomach ache to eat so much after fasting for three days.

When she is done, she leaves her dishes behind and slowly; painfully returns back to her room. Kirei hears the telltale click noise signaling she has once again, locked herself away from him.

Behind her door, Rin is relieved and the slightest bit proud that she had survived that trial.

Back in the kitchen, Kirei takes pleasure in knowing that she will never know just what it was she ate. Was he willing to go so far? Did he fake her out? Only he will ever know the truth.

What really mattered was the fact that she ate, meaning she would survive, meaning Kirei would have much more to look forward to in the future. After all, he's not one to let good things go to waste.


End file.
